


Dumbass

by fanfics_await_you



Series: Friends, Lovers, or Maybe Something in Between [2]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-08 12:11:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11081319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfics_await_you/pseuds/fanfics_await_you
Summary: Spinoff from Chapter 2 of FRIENDS, LOVERS, OR MAYBE SOMETHING IN BETWEENSummary: "Funnily enough it was the day that his fighter was shot down that you had realised you loved him in every sense of the word, in the very moment that you had collapsed on the floor of head command with your heart feeling like it was being cut out of your chest…"





	1. Chapter 1

“Don’t be a hero alright, dumbass?” The words are muffled into Cassian’s shoulder but you figure the message is received given the fact that he laughs.

He doesn’t let go and instead just hugs you tighter as the thrum of engines begins to grow around you. The take-offs for the day are starting but you don’t want to give him up yet. _This is a terrible idea_ keeps circling through your head and a seed of dread is threatening to take root in your stomach. Cassian hasn’t done an assignment without you in months, let alone a _solo_ mission, so to say you’re not keen is an understatement.

Eventually, Cassian lets go and you feel his absence sharply. To stop yourself from wrapping your arms around your middle, you stuff your hands into your pockets and watch him walk up the ramp into the ship. With a final salute and a brazen grin, the hatch is closed and you force your feet back so that the punch of take-off doesn’t knock you over. As his X-wing rises higher and higher before eventually disappearing into the sky, you feel that seed begin to grow.

—

You’re broken out of your daze by the loud thud of a repair manual against the desk near your hand. With an undignified yelp, you start in your chair and would have fallen to the ground if not for the steadying hand on your shoulder.  After regaining your balance, you send an irritated look at Bodhi as he moves to sit next you.

“What was that for?”

“Well Y/N, I had to stop you pining somehow.”

“I am **not** _pining_!”

Bodhi gives you look that tells you he’s less than convinced, “When’s he get back?”

“Later today,” your tone is prickly yet quiet.

Bodhi’s smile says it all.

“Shut up.”

His grin grows and you bury your face into your arms. Bodhi might forget his words sometimes, but he is as sharp and observant as ever.

“It’s not like that, Bodhi,” your words are muffled by your hands and the desk but you’re sure that he can hear you.

From the pat on your shoulder and then tap of leaving feet, it seems he has chosen to ignore you. You go to shout after him when a comms alert appears on the control panel before you. Grinning, you flick the incomings switch.

“How you doin’ Ca-“ You’re cut off by the sound of laser cannon fire.

“Y/N.”

There is a desperation and careful calmness to his voice that is completely out of place. You are instantly on edge.

“Shit! Where are you, Cass, I’ll get reinforcements immediately!”

“You can’t, Y/N.”

“What the fuck, Cass?!? I-“

“I’m deep in Imperial territory, it-“

“There has to be an X-wing somewhe-“

“We can’t afford another loss-“

“There’s one j-“

“Y/N, stop!”

His coolness cracks with impatience and anger, “Y/N, there is no time and there’s too many fighters! There’s no point loosing another pilot!”

He breaks off while the sounds of a dogfight flood the comms. By this point, people are beginning to swarm and a hive of activity is swelling but all you can hear is breathing; his laboured ones muffled by gunshots and your own threatening deafen you.

“Please Cassian. Please don’t,” You can’t help it, your voice cracks.

He doesn’t respond for a moment, then another, then “I’m sorry.”

You go to respond when the screech of static fills the comms. You check the instruments, desperate ( _praying_ ) for a fault, a problem on your end. There’s nothing. There’s just no transmitting comm anymore.

Everything is static. The world holds there for a second, just a snapshot of noise and encompassing absence and emptiness and black and white and numbness and nothing and everything-

Someone turns the comms off, the static stops and the world resumes. Everything comes flooding back like a **fucking tsunami**.

Your breathing is not your own anymore, it belongs to a drowning traitor. And someone is

 

**screaming**

 

but you don’t if it’s someone else or you or just in your mind. And your hands go to your hair and suddenly your body is compressing _in_ and _out_ and _in_ and _out_ and _in_ and _out_ like bellows. And there’s hands on you and voices and _so much_ ** _noise_** but the only person who matters, the only one who has ever mattered, isn’t here. Because he’s dead, because he’s dead, _because he’s dead_.

Because he’s dead.

Cassian.

 _Cassian_.

You try to stand, to run, but your knees give out and then you’re on the floor and you’re sobbing. Tears and sobs and guilt pour out of you like lead and hands keep trying to _fucking_ ** _touch you_** and you lash out because you are not physical enough, not solid enough, not real enough, not human enough to be comforted or touched or to exist and _everything needs to stop_.

Suddenly Bodhi is there and trying to pick you up off the floor but you fight back. There are too many things and too many confessions welling up inside you and if someone moves you now, you will shatter like glass (or hope or life or love).

Between choking breaths, you have to tell Bodhi ( _you have to tell him_ ) what you can now never tell Cassian.

“I _love_ him, Bodhi. I love him and he’s gone and he’s not coming back and I love him anyway.”

The words are bawled and choppy and incoherent and retched but Bodhi knows. He knows as he collapses next to you and clings to you despite your struggles. He knows as he sobs and murmurs to you as the words repeat again and again and again while you rock. He knows that there is nothing he can because he’s not Cassian; he just isn’t.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...When you had later walked off of the transport to collect the body and seen a battered but very much alive Cassian awaiting, your whole world had stopped. The split second after is the happiest you think you’ve ever been in your life."

Commander Piersk is speaking to you but you hear ( _feel_ ) nothing. Words like ‘condolences’ and ‘hero’ and ‘medal’ appear but they mean nothing. They can’t bring him back so it doesn’t matter ( _nothing does_ ). 

 

In the end, you cut him off, “Are you giving me permission to go and bring him back or will I go anyway, sir?”

 

He gives you a long-suffering look before he responds, “Y/N, it’s Imperial territory and…” he’s hesitant now, “It was a fighter crash… They may not be anything left.”

 

You feel the tug and heaviness at the base of your throat but manage a _I know_ before your throat fully closes. Piersk considers you for awhile but eventually nods and you’ve left the room before you even notice you’re moving. 

 

Later, when you’re firing up the X-wing, only three things on your mind.

  1. _Grief_ _is a funny (_ cruel _) thing._
  2. _I didn’t feel like this when my parents died._
  3. _I_ _hope I don’t come back._



—

 

The X-wing and two Imperial fighters went down on one of Zien’s tundra moons, so the crash sites are easy to spot. The smoke drifts upwards undisturbed from between the three wrecks as the wind barely disturbs the embers. By now, the grass fires that have burnt a 100 metre ashy radius around the debris have sputtered out and you manoeuvre to set the U-wing a few metres away from his fighter. 

 

From the cockpit you can see all that’s left of the ships are burnt-out skeletons, and that the metal is warped from heat and impact. The last shred of your hope flickers out like a solitary voice; these are not the types of crashes that people survive. There also won’t be anything left to bring home. Nevertheless, you set the aircraft down and steel yourself. _I will say goodbye even if it kills me._ You step away from the console, take a deep breath and pull the hatch lever. 

 

Slowly, torturously slow, the bridge opens to reveal a sole figure. You pull out your blaster and you can feel hatred rising in your throat like bile and suddenly you’re walking in the ash and ready to shoot this man who took _him_ from you. Then-

 

Then…

 

“Cassian?” Your voice is fragile, hesitant to break this moment even if it is a mirage.

 

He looks battered, sooty, but real, _alive_. He doesn’t say anything but just looks at you, staring and staring like you’re the golden promise of a better life. Then he nods. He falls to his knees and it’s him and _oh Maker it’s Cassian, it’s Cassian, it’s Cassian, it’s Cassian, he’s_ ** _alive_**. Your blaster is forgotten and you’re tripping over ash and metal and dirt but he’s real and breathing and has a smile stretched across his whole face and his arms are open in welcome. You plummet to your knees and crash into him, but he holds strong and **Cassian is alive**. He is warm and vibrant and animate beneath your finger. Your hold on him is iron-tight. You’re crying into Cassian’s hair and his head is burrowed in your neck, whispering _I’m so sorry_ over and over like a broken recording. 

 

The emotions washing over you are more than words can say. You have never felt this elated, euphoric, _happy_ before and it would be a fair bet to say that you never will again. **Cassian is alive**. 

He pulls away and cradles your face. There are tear tracks cleaning away the soot from his face but his smile is radiant despite being watery.

 

“I’m _so_ sorry, the electronics took a hit and then I had to land and clear the craft before-“ He stops as quickly as he began.

 

Then he laughs and Cassian is hugging you again while whispering “It doesn’t matter, it really doesn’t because you’re here and we’re going _home_.”

 

Despite your utter exhaustion as the ordeals of the day catch up with you, you manage to chuckle into his shoulder. So, slowly and with each other’s help, you manage to stand and begin to limp back to the U-wing. As you both struggle up the ramp and then crumple into your seats, you take a moment to take him in. He is dirty and injured; his skin somewhat pale, maybe from shock, maybe from the ash, you don’t know. 

 

**But it doesn’t matter, because _he’s here_**. 

 

Cassian’s **here** and he’s **alive**.

 

As your X-wing pulls away from the atmosphere, a sense of thankfulness consumes you. And although Cassian’s eyelids have fluttered closed and he appears to be drifting off, he instantly smiles when your free hand takes his. Without a word, he just covers your fingers with his own and drifts off. Your mouth twitches up into a grin as you admire the reflection of stars passing at warp speed against his skin. 

 

_He’s coming home._

 

_Cassian’s coming home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little Finn & Poe meeting again-esque tbh

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if it’s a little incoherent in places; the reader in this has very messy grief, if you get what I mean.


End file.
